Remembering Pig

Hey Pig,

I’ve procrastinated about talking to you because it hurt so much even thinking about you after you left. Obviously I can’t be upset at you because you were sick for a long time and were sweet and purring through the pain right up until the end. After your injection and watching your head sink slowly down into my lap seconds later I knew that you were done being in pain but it left me with a jagged hole in everything where you used to fit in. I can’t say that I’m all better yet or that I don’t look for you around the house absentmindedly when I wake up in the morning but the pain is much less raw and immediate. It has scabbed over a little bit and replaced by a slow and constant ache. In ways I feel a little guilty because it has only been two weeks despite the fact that those weeks felt like years in terms of emotional havoc and the feeling of powerlessness. The remainder of those feelings won’t recede but now at least I can remember you with nothing other than love and without fits of guilt and rage and anger. None of it was ever your fault for any reason other than being the perfect cat for me. It is very difficult to let go of that.

There is another cat in the house now. This, in theory, should make me miss you less but it really does not. His name is Bug and he is friendly and sweet (you would undoubtedly love him) but is not a replacement for you. That is impossible but he does remind me of you all the time and make me miss your huge personality and what a fucking weirdo you were. Leonard also looked for you for several days and called for you even longer. She is difficult but, in the end, grew to love and accept you as well. Your mom and I have talked a lot about the effect you had on her and how much she changed as a result of you sharing most of your short life with us. You reawakened some remaining shred of kitten-hood in her that has not disappeared in your absence. Whatever parts of her are not a total pain in the ass you share some credit for developing.

I had some digital pictures developed from April. They were taken during your last stretch of seeming like you would recover and when you were still eating and you were on my lap. I have a lot of pictures of you on my lap. I miss that feeling of knowing that any moment you will hop into my lap and wrestle my arm into submission. That was one of the best feelings imaginable especially in the sense that you trusted me completely. Anyway, we’ll get a frame for those pictures, one with me and one with your mommy, and finally get pictures of you up on the wall. We were kind of slack about that but we thought we would keep you forever and never felt the pressure of time passing. In as sense we did get to keep you. In the days immediately following your passing it was an unbearable weight on my heart that seemed like it would crush me if it did not subside. It really didn’t but the weight lightened when I realized that there was nothing we could have done to save you or to make you feel any better. Instead there is just a presence that lurks continually and waits for me to quit crossing my legs so it can creep into my lap and purr silently until it falls asleep.

We’re also going to get a memorial put up for you at the Dumb Friends League. This is something I wanted to do sooner but it made me too sad and it was just too difficult to even try to sum you up in a dozen words. It’s still impossible but I want to dedicate something permanent to you even if it pales when compared with the sweet and neurotic character that you were. It isn’t perfect but it is something.

We miss you and love you. You still have dibs on my lap anytime. Two weeks and two days.

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